If They're Not Making You Better, LEAVE Them!

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Hey you. Why do we get bored in relationships? And usually only in peaceful ones where the other person technically isn’t doing anything wrong? Why are there so many gold diggers out there? What is THE secret to keeping a relationship long lasting and fulfilling. Today I’m gonna share one theory to help explain all of this to you and speaking of you answer this question: what is the difference between a dog who has all of their four basic needs met and a human who has these four too? I’ll answer that as soon as we get back from checking in with our sponsor Squarespace


The self expansion theory essentially states that we form romantic relationships to satisfy both our present self and future, ideal self. In short, we want to use the other person to better ourselves and if we can’t see them doing that, we may struggle to see a need for the relationship. That’s not exact wording but more or less SET states that humans look at all relationships as an opportunity for achievement, and romantic relationships are no exception, in fact they could be the rule.

So, to answer the question I posed off the top, what’s the difference between a human and a dog who have four major needs met. Well Maslow would say that a human still has one more critical need: self actualization. Now as you know, we seek to become the best versions of ourselves through parents, friends, teachers, and if you get weird along the way – through your kids. But what makes SET unique is that instead of looking at the desire to expand as the final drive, SET creators Elaine and Arthur Aron (who fun fact are married and other fun fact for psychology students you may recognize the name from your statistics textbooks) saw the desire to realize our potential as continuous and they saw that there needed to be an emphasis on romantic relationships.

Why? In Euro-influenced countries like ours we often refer to romantic partner’s as our other half – which speaks to both the feeling of oneness we create through gradual inmeshing AND the perception of oneness our culture places on couples. Whether you consent to this or not, people who are romantically linked are viewed as a reflection of each other. And all of this ONENESS we both cultivate through sharing ourselves intimately and being linked socially creates a phenomenon called distributed cognition. Which means I know it as long as you do. And to some degree, I can benefit from the knowledge and the relationships that you have.

I think this is an important concept to double click on because I once had a conversation with a very famous rapper who said he avoids commitment because he believes it will stifle his career growth – and maybe because yea if you wanna go fast, go alone – but also, the potential for overall growth that’s possible when you surrender to complete intimacy – is undefeated in my books. In other words, if you wanna grow far AND wide, go together

Elaine and Arthur’s theory, developed in the 1980s has two key principles: the motivational principle, which outlines humans primary motivation to achieve and expand as well as the inclusion of other in self principle, which outlines our instinct to bond with others in order to acquire more safety, material resources, social resources, perspectives and identities.

So is the fact that we may inherently look at romantic relationships as a place to expand our own ambitions a good thing? Or is it something we have to keep in check? Do you want your partner to want the knowledge, connections, and resources you have? Where are some of the gaps in this theory? How would you apply this to your understanding of your past or current love life? Let’s discuss. And also let’s address the other major, but often overlooked factor, THIS and THIS need very different environments to grow and if you don’t know the difference, the best intentions aren’t gonna be enough.


If we apply this to mutual, communal romantic relationships, we can see how distributed cognition becomes an essential resource for solving problems, acquiring new information and decision making

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